Dear Max,

I worry a lot. I can’t sleep most nights. The sickness that’s been affecting a lot of people for over a year now had taken its toll on me. I’m scared for us.

Of course, it has affected us, me and dad was infected a year ago. But that was when the sickness didn’t affect kids. It was scary then, but its scarier now. Everyone was trying to cope, to live with some level of normalcy but we all know that this is not normal. And yet, all I can ever do is to pray.

This is one of those times when we are not in control and it’s scary knowing that. We can take precautions. We can do the necessary activities to prevent infection but we can only do so much. Everything else is out of our control.

I am grateful because we still have work but our work also puts us in so much risk. Everytime we go out, we are at risk not only of being infected but also of bringing the virus home.

Every night, I just lie down and pray, that just like the Israelites of long ago, our house will be spared, that the angel of death will pass over us. In the end, we can only hold on to our faith, that God will have mercy on us and heal the world.

“Lord, please protect our family, our friends. Please keep us safe and healthy. Give us the strength to overcome this difficulties, watch over our healthcare workers and heal us. In Jesus Name, Amen.”

I love you, Max. Always know that.

Love,

Mom

Dear Max,

When you’re older know that…

You can never please anybody to gain their approval. Any self-aware person knows that and it’s crazy to even try.

The people who love you will always love you, no matter what you do. Those who don’t will always find reasons not to. They will pretend that there’s a slight chance that you can change their mind or heart if you do what they say…but if you do it, it will never be enough…you have to do more. And then, you become their slave. You become a puppet with strings. You become someone that you’re not. You will hate yourself because you are betraying who you are. And then they will blame you because you changed, because you became sad and miserable.

Change for the better because you want to, because you’re ready. Change because you want to grow, because you want to be the best version of yourself. Do not compete with others. Life is not a contest, you don’t have to compare yourself with anyone. Live your life calmly, peacefully, knowing full well that you will get there, in your own time, at your own pace.

Know that imperfection is perfection, it’s part of life. Mistakes will teach you to be more careful. Failure will teach you to be humble. Obstacles will teach you to persevere, to be patient. Success will teach you to have faith, to never give up. Experiencing all of these will teach you that life is more tasteful when lived courageously,  without fear of mistakes, of failures, of difficulties because they are all part of life.

Open your mind to the possibility that your way will not always be the best way. There’s always an opportunity to learn new ways of doing things, maybe more efficient way, but you cannot force these things to others even if you believe your way is the best. Different people do things differently. Respect that.

Loving people will open their heart to everyone. Miserable people will always demand and criticize and blame.

To a loving person, you will always be enough. Choose that. Be that.

Love,

Mom

 Dear Max,

Naalala ko lang nung bata pa ako, meron akong classmate na nagalit sa kin. Nakita nya kasi akong nakikipaghabulan sa classmate namin habang naghihintay kami ng uwian. Tapos na yung klase, nakapaglinis na kmi ng classroom, hinihintay lang nmin bumalik yung teacher namin. Nagalit sya, umiyak, nagsumbong sa teacher. Sabi nya, she was trying to stop us from breaking something daw. Sa totoo lang, wala nman tlagang masisira sa public school classroom. I found it so disturbing at that time, parang ang OA nung reaction nya. Pwede nmang pagbawalan lang kami di ba? Without the drama and the crying na Judy Ann Santos level. Hindi ko maintindihan dati pero now, I realized,  she was so used to being the center of attention, so nung nakita nya na masaya kming magkakaklaseng naghahabulan sa loob ng classroom bago mag uwian at hindi sya makasali, she cried. She justified her tantrum with a noble reason, she was looking after me and my classmates. Pwedeng hindi sya aware sa ginawa nya, anyway, bata pa kmi non, elementary pa lang and that was a long time ago. Naalala ko sya now kasi naalala ko yung feeling. 

Sometimes, ang OA ng reaction ng mga tao sa tin, minsan simple lang yung issue pero kala mo kung ano ng krimen ang nagawa mo. I realized that these people are not really reacting to what we did. They’re just using the situation to seek attention or to live the drama that they are creating inside their head. Maybe, they’re so used to being the center of attention tapos suddenly, hindi sila napapansin. Or maybe, they are miserable so when they see people around them who are happy, they get angry, they get jealous. They need to make the people around them as miserable as they are. 

Pero kahit ano pang reason nila, these people will terrorize you, they will drag you away from your happiness, they will force you to take part in their drama. And sometimes, mapipilitan kang magparticipate. But if you do that, please take note that you will never get the leading part, lagi kang kontrabida sa istorya ng buhay nila. Bakit? Kasi nga it’s their story. Sila ang bida don and it’s their narrative that you need to follow. Hindi ka pwedeng magpaliwanag, buo na ang script, so just play the part that was forced in to you.

Pero if you can refuse to participate, please, for your own peace of mind, for your own sanity, do so. Get as far away as you can and never look back. Kasi if you look back, baka maawa ka, if you listen baka maniwala ka and before you know it, they already suck all your happiness, all your hopes, all your dreams.

Always be careful.

Love,

Mom

Dear Max

I was thinking about so many things. I am doing a lot of things. And it has been a long time since I have written something. It feels sad that at this moment in my life, I find it hard to sit down, to think, to reflect and to write. Life has been a constant movement and distractions are everywhere. Sometimes, I find myself browsing the internet endlessly, not really knowing what Im looking for. Maybe, I just need something to occupy my mind, to forget that constant itch, that constant feeling of discontent.

I always tell you not to be bored, because you are still young, and there’s so much to do...so much to explore and so many dreams to pursue. Boredom is for those people who never pursued a dream, those people who fell into the daily routine of life...just doing the same things over and over and over again.

And sometimes, I feel that way. Because, you see, I never had the opportunity to pursue my dreams. I had to work to support myself and my family. I never had the chance to harness my talents. I had to forget my passion because I was born in an era wherein art is for the rich and there is no enough platform to showcase what I have.

And maybe, I was also scared...to fail, to go hungry, to beg. I was scared to be vulnerable, to be criticized on something that I love doing.

Oftentimes, I ask you what you want to be when you grow up, and many times your answer varies, from a construction worker/builder to pilot and chef. I know its too early to ask, and maybe when you’re older you’ll know what you really want. I ask that because as early as now, I want you to be aware of what you want, I want you to notice what interests you, I want you to find your passion, that something that you would want to do even late at night, that you’ll forget to eat just to finish it, that something that will motivate you to wake up each morning feeling inspired.

Life is hard enough as it is. Work is hard. But if you choose doing what you love, the hardship will be worth it.

Know that I will always be here to support you, to help you to cheer you and to be proud of you.


Love,
Mom

Happy 4th Birthday Luvs! ❤️

Dear Max,

Indeed, time flies so fast. It seemed only yesterday that I was still pregnant...and afraid...and excited...and nervous...and worried...all at the same time.

                                     

       

I was afraid because I'm not sure if I'm going to be a good mom. I was afraid to break you...literally and figuratively. I was not sure if I have the strength nor the patience of all the good moms that I know. I was worried that you're going to hate me...because I'm too strict or too "bungangera" or too short or too quiet just like all the rebel kids that I know who hate their parents, simply because they want to. I'm not sure if I was ready for the role that God has enthrusted to me.

But yes, we were excited. We even have a name prepared for you even before your dad and I got married. Marxene Marie...Max for short. Oh well, we thought that we are going to have a daughter. I never entertained the idea that I'm going to have a son maybe because girls get to wear pink clothes and cute headbands and adorable shoes. I thought I liked that.

We dreamed about you...we prayed for you...even before you were conceived, we loved you, we talked to you and we planned for you.

And then, we saw you...with your heart beating so loud and strong...a life inside of me. I could never be any happier. We were also informed that instead of a daughter, we will have a son.

Our dilemma...we did not prepare a name for a son. It's obvious that we have to call you Max because we've been calling you that ever since I can remember. And so we decided to give tribute to our fathers by giving you their name...and I hope their strengths too.

I never dreamed of a son, but I was given one and I knew right away that you were perfect for me, I never liked pink anyway.

                                

     

Today, I hope time won't go that fast because I still want to cherish evey moment that we are together...when you hug me at night, when you shower me with kisses (wet ofcourse!) every morning, when you excitedly hug me when I get home from work, when you'd look at me and ask for my approval every time you'd do something adorable and funny...Oh yes, you're so funny and spontaneous and happy...and I love you and I'm thankful that you are still happy and innocent. And I'm praying everyday that we will be able to protect that for as long as we can.

Happy birthday luvs! Always remember that you're the best thing that ever happened to me. You are important, more important than the pain that anyone can cause. Life isn't perfect, but I thank God for giving me someone who holds my hand at night, someone who reminds me to have fun and to not be afraid, someone who makes me laugh and angry (oh, yes, that's possible!) at the same time, someone who makes everything worthwhile.

I love you...and I will always be here for you.

Love,

Mom

There...In the Dark

Dear Max,

Today I want to talk to you about Darkness and that state of being that they often called, "being in the dark".

When you grow up, you will realize that no matter how good you are, no matter how righteous your actions are, there will come a time that dark clouds shall cover you. Trials, betrayals, lies, horrible things that others might do to you which might result to sadness, loneliness and misery...these are dark clouds. Maybe, its not your fault, maybe someone else has created that dark cloud for you but one day you will find yourself in that situation so before that time comes I want you to remember,

1. Darkness will come...as sure as night comes after the day. Expect it so you can prepare for it. Get to know who you are and love yourself so when darkness comes you will know what to do based on who you know you are. In this way, you can approach darkness with confidence knowing full well that you are strong enough to overcome it. 

People can do bad things to you, but it won't say anything about who you are. The things that they do are reflections of what's inside them...it doesn't say anything about what's inside of you. 

So before darkness comes, nurture what's inside. Get to know the beautiful person that resides inside of you, find those things that will touch your heart, those activities that will warm your soul. Be comfortable with solitude, it is your friend because it is only through silence and "aloneness" shall you realize that you are never alone, that you are connected to Someone much bigger than yourself and you can reconnect anytime you want. In the "busyness" of the world, in the midst of people who are trying to accomplish lots of things, find time to stop and be silent just so you can remember why you are here, just so you can remember your purpose, just so you can make the right choices not only when things are going well but most especially when things are falling apart.

2. When darkness does come know that, being in the dark is exactly that moment in your life that you can shine the most. It is that moment when you are given the greatest opportunity to show the world who you are, of what you are made of. Do not be afraid. All you ever have to do is to reach inside you and find that place where the Light resides...know in your heart that It's there because the truth is, each of us carries within us the spark of God. 

3. Forgive those who put you in the dark...and forgive yourself for allowing them to do that. I know its hard, believe me its the hardest thing that you will ever have to do. But do it anyway, for yourself, to regain your power, to regain peace. Someday, you will come to a point when you can look at those people who hurt you and instead of feeling anger and hatred you will feel sorry for them...sorry because you will understand that they must be feeling so lonely and so afraid...because no happy person can ever hurt another. So, make it a point to find those things, those activities that will make you happy and do them often, in this way, you can help heal the world of its loneliness.

4. If you can avoid the people who's putting you in the dark, avoid them, let go of them, you are better off without them. But if you can't get them out of your life, pray very hard, pray that you will have the strength to take it one day at a time...or as what I always say, one breath at a time. Pray that your light be strong enough...and your love hard enough so you won't be overcome by darkness...

5. Please never never use this situation as an excuse to succumb to darkness, as an excuse to hurt more people, as an excuse to be weak, as an excuse to be vengeful. There is no excuse in doing wrong especially when you know what's right. You can never right a wrong by doing another wrong. That's stupid, that's crazy. If you think that you will be happy when you cause another person pain, you are mistaken. Your soul knows when you are hurting another innocent soul, and that's a sure way to lose grace...to lose peace. Remember, heaven and hell is not only a place that you go to at the end of your life, it is a "state of being"...and hell is when you are not in a state of grace, when you are not at peace. Do not put yourself in hell while living on earth, do something about it while you can...be brave and walk out of it.

6. It is your responsibility to yourself and to the world to make yourself happy. Find those things that will make you happy and pursue them. If you can't find beauty in the world, create beauty, create goodness, create happiness. You have all the tools to create them, so go ahead and do it. Do not depend your happiness on one person coz that's a sure way to be so lonely. Please do not allow yourself to be lonely coz that's a sure way to be destructive. 

Do not be afraid to lose the things/people that you think are making you happy...coz you can never lose something that is truly yours. If you lose them, maybe, they were never yours in the first place. Always remember that you can never own something/someone which has free will. Let them choose their own path and be happy for them even if it means seeing them walking away from you.

Do not contribute to the loneliness that grips the world. Do not participate in the negativity, helplessness and drama that people propagate through social  media. You are better than that. You have the power to change your situation and you can tap that power anytime. You are NOT helpless, Angels are real and they walk around the earth spreading joy and peace and happiness, find them, allow them to touch you, to change you. Or better yet, be the Angel that will walk the world, touching people's lives, spreading happiness and joy, reminding people who they are.

Lastly, I want you to remember to live consciously, to live purposefully. Stand up for something, fight for something important and meaningful. Be brave. Your heart is full of love, and as what our Korean priest used to say, our heart is like a well, if you continue to give love, it will oveflow with love. But the moment that you stop giving love away,  it will dry up. Don't let it dry up. Give love away...it might be a dog or a pet or the abandoned babies in the orphange or the sick kids in the hospital or the plants in your garden...love, love, love...even if they can't love you back. Give out of the fullness of your heart.

When you get hurt because of love, do not lose faith, remember that you are capable of pure and unconditional love...so its REAL. Someday, you will find the right person who has the same quality of love, who will vibrate just as strongly as your soul vibrates, it doesn't matter when, it won't matter how because love transcends time and space...believe that, know that.

I always love you, you know that, right?

~Mom

       

                                 

P.S. Sometimes, I write to you to also remind myself...

Random Thoughts

 Dear Max,

Today I want to teach you something important. Actually, I dont know where to begin, there's just so many things thats going through my mind so I'll just say whatever comes first.

So let's begin with INTEGRITY. Integrity is doing the right thing even when nobody's looking. Its so easy to do what's right...when you're being watched, when someone's guiding you but when you are on your own, its a totally different story. There will always be two voices inside your head, so which are you going to choose? 

They say that there are no good or bad, right or wrong. There's just ACTION and there's just CONSEQUENCE equal to that action. But if you want to live a life of peace and happiness, a life filled with love and joy choose "good" actions that will bring "good" consequences.

Choose what's right even when it hurts...even when its difficult. Choose what's good even if the reward of the "bad" outweighs the good. Why? Because there is a law in the Universe..."In every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." Some will tell you that its the law of Physics, some will say that its the Law of Karma but whatever it is, the truth is, there is a Force that balances everything.

In simple words, whatever you give out will come back to you. Whatever you sow, you shall reap. So sow goodness and compassion. Sow love and understanding. Sow kindness and tolerance. Sow honesty and fairness. In this way, you will cushion yourself from all the "badness" and the "wrongness" of the world. 

I'm not saying that you won't feel any difficulties if you're good, I won't say that you won't be betrayed or rejected coz you probably would but rest assured that when it happens, Angels will come your way to help you and heal you. Know that, believe that coz its true.

Sometimes you're going to make mistakes. You're going to to choose what is "wrong" because sometimes, its not always clear which is wrong and which is right. Its not always black and white. There are other shades of gray too. But sooner or later you will know if you're on the right track. Asking yourself these questions might help, Are you at peace? Are you happy? Are the people you love happy? Is your conscience clear? When you face God right now, can you honestly tell Him that you've been a faithful child? If you answered "NO" to these things please back off, analyze what you've been doing and make the necessary corrections. Say sorry, pray for the people you've hurt, change your ways, learn and move on.

It's ok to make mistakes, for as long as you learn from it, for as long as you don't deliberately do it. My father once told me, "When you know what is right, there's no excuse in choosing what is wrong." When he told me that, he was teaching me to be responsible over my own actions. There's no sense in knowing something and not practicing what you know. Wisdom is a great responsibility because you have to prove it in your actions. But yes, believe me I know that its easier said than done especially when emotions are involved. So, pray, that God enlightens you, that God guides you.

At the end of the day, we all want to be happy. And yes, you have all the right to pursue whatever brings you your bliss...just make sure that you're not hurting other people in the process. If you could help others to be happy, well and good, but if you can't, just try NOT to be the cause of their unhappiness. Because sooner or later the consequences of your actions will come back to haunt you or help you. The difference will depend on your actions.

Choose wisely.

I love you so much.

Love,

Mommy