What Mom & Dad should know

Dear Max,

Today, I read something great and it sounds true so I want to remember it. Here it goes...


"What should a 4 year old know?"

I was on a parenting bulletin board recently and read a post by a mother who was worried that her 4 1/2 year old did not know enough. “What should a 4 year old know?” she asked.

Most of the answers left me not only saddened but pretty soundly annoyed. One mom posted a laundry list of all of the things her son knew. Counting to 100, planets, how to write his first and last name, and on and on. Others chimed in with how much more their children already knew, some who were only three. A few posted URL’s to lists of what each age should know. The fewest yet said that each child develops at his own pace and not to worry.

It bothered me greatly to see these mothers responding to a worried mom by adding to her concern, with lists of all the things their children could do that hers couldn’t. We are such a competitive culture that even our preschoolers have become trophies and bragging rights. Childhood shouldn’t be a race.

So here, I offer my list of what a 4 year old should know.

1. She should know that she is loved wholly and unconditionally, all of the time.

2. He should know that he is safe and he should know how to keep himself safe in public, with others, and in varied situations. He should know that he can trust his instincts about people and that he never has to do something that doesn’t feel right, no matter who is asking. He should know his personal rights and that his family will back them up.

3. She should know how to laugh, act silly, be goofy and use her imagination. She should know that it is always okay to paint the sky orange and give cats 6 legs.

4. He should know his own interests and be encouraged to follow them. If he couldn’t care less about learning his numbers, his parents should realize he’ll learn them accidentally soon enough and let him immerse himself instead in rocket ships, drawing, dinosaurs or playing in the mud.

5. She should know that the world is magical and that so is she. She should know that she’s wonderful, brilliant, creative, compassionate and marvelous. She should know that it’s just as worthy to spend the day outside making daisy chains, mud pies and fairy houses as it is to practice phonics. Scratch that– way more worthy.

But more important, here’s what parents need to know.

1. That every child learns to walk, talk, read and do algebra at his own pace and that it will have no bearing on how well he walks, talks, reads or does algebra.

2. That the single biggest predictor of high academic achievement and high ACT scores is reading to children. Not flash cards, not workbooks, not fancy preschools, not blinking toys or computers, but mom or dad taking the time every day or night (or both!) to sit and read them wonderful books.

3. That being the smartest or most accomplished kid in class has never had any bearing on being the happiest. We are so caught up in trying to give our children “advantages” that we’re giving them lives as multi-tasked and stressful as ours. One of the biggest advantages we can give our children is a simple, carefree childhood.

4.That our children deserve to be surrounded by books, nature, art supplies and the freedom to explore them. Most of us could get rid of 90% of our children’s toys and they wouldn’t be missed, but some things are important– building toys like legos and blocks, creative toys like all types of art materials (good stuff), musical instruments (real ones and multicultural ones), dress up clothes and books, books, books. (Incidentally, much of this can be picked up quite cheaply at thrift shops.) They need to have the freedom to explore with these things too– to play with scoops of dried beans in the high chair (supervised, of course), to knead bread and make messes, to use paint and play dough and glitter at the kitchen table while we make supper even though it gets everywhere, to have a spot in the yard where it’s absolutely fine to dig up all the grass and make a mud pit.

5. That our children need more of us. We have become so good at saying that we need to take care of ourselves that some of us have used it as an excuse to have the rest of the world take care of our kids. Yes, we all need undisturbed baths, time with friends, sanity breaks and an occasional life outside of parenthood. But we live in a time when parenting magazines recommend trying to commit to 10 minutes a day with each child and scheduling one Saturday a month as family day. That’s not okay! Our children don’t need Nintendos, computers, after school activities, ballet lessons, play groups and soccer practice nearly as much as they need US. They need fathers who sit and listen to their days, mothers who join in and make crafts with them, parents who take the time to read them stories and act like idiots with them. They need us to take walks with them and not mind the .1 MPH pace of a toddler on a spring night. They deserve to help us make supper even though it takes twice as long and makes it twice as much work. They deserve to know that they’re a priority for us and that we truly love to be with them.

(Author: Alicia Bayer @ http://magicalchildhood.wordpress.com/2010/08/31/what-should-a-4-year-old-know/)


Hope we could spend more time together, hope we can enjoy more.

It's crazy how things get to be for adults...when life becomes serious and complicated. I miss those days when I'd be allowed to play in the rain, those nights when we huddle under the moonlit sky and just talk...and dream...and wonder. Would you believe that I used to think that the moon follows me wherever I go? And my shadow is a different person? Nah, those were happy days.

I hope, more than ever, I'd be able to give you that...fun memories of childhood cause its priceless. I hope I'll be able to fight for that.

I love you.

~mommy

Dear Max,

There are so many good things that I wanted to tell you. But life is not only about good things...there are some "not so" good about it too.

Things have changed so much...and what's tricky about change is that its not always for the better.

Change is good if you're in charge of change...if you're the one creating change. But if someone else is choosing for you, if you're adjusting into someone else's wants and whims then, its not so good anymore.

When you grow up, make an effort to lead...to bring change...for the better.

You will always have the power to choose what is better...for you and for the people around you.

A lot of people choose to be miserable...because by being miserable and unhappy they think that they are living the life of a saint. They find meaning in their suffering and they hate those people who tries to be happy. They suck the life out of those people who have a joyful soul.

Don't be like that anak. Choose to be happy so you can contribute happiness to this world. If you can't bring happiness to others, then, atleast do not be a cause of their sadness.

Be careful of those people who are addicted to sadness. First, they will try to make you feel responsible for making them happy, for saving them from a life of misery. But when you believe them, when you accept to be the source of their happiness, they will try to change you to be like them...and when you change, they will blame you for changing...they will hate you because you can't bring them happiness anymore.

Get away from these people.. Don't feel guilty if you leave them unhappy...you can and will never make them happy anyway because sadness and misery is their fuel, that's what's keeping them alive. So leave, if you can...and never, never look back.

We can always choose to be happy. Choose it. There is no virtue in suffering and misery especially when everyone knows you are suffering. You have no responsibility to make other people happy, it's their responsibility to their selves...its your responsibility to your self.

Live a life of joy...for as long as you can. Search for those things that will make you happy, for those feelings that will fulfill you.

And don't forget the small stuffs, sometimes, when life gets too big to handle, the small stuff will save you...sunrise...sunset...flowers...birds...even the snail hiding in its shell.

I love you.


~mommy